Last week, I finished my first Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) unit. CPE has been a rewarding, confusing, and frustrating journey. And I think the best journeys of formation include all of these things.
In previous spaces, I have written about how various streams of Christianity offer a “solar spirituality,” which is that everything must fit with a predominantly victorious narrative. Even the retelling of the Christian story around Easter hinges on a Sunday Resurrection that often overshadows Friday’s grave. I think there are many reasons why we cling to positively prevailing narratives.
Mostly, I think it is because sad narratives are sad.
Many of us were not allowed to experience our tears and sorrow as children. In my upbringing, there was a firm “suck it up” mentality, reinforced with “boys don’t cry” narratives. I was taught to bury these emotions not because they made me feel unsafe but because my tears made my caregivers feel unsafe. They pressed on guilt, shame, or regret.
It is no secret that I love Barbara Brown Taylor and her book, “Learning to Walk in the Dark” (I’ll put a link to that below). Her book invited me to excavate these buried emotions and learn that grief, sadness, and regret are valuable and important in life. She also taught me about “lunar spirituality,” which is the flip side of the same coin of faith. Sometimes, we experience narratives of defeat. And those narratives are just as valuable as the victories.
Chaplaincy has invited me to hold on to the tensions of both realities. In the same way, a coin sits on its edge; we don’t always know which way it will fall. I rarely know what a person is experiencing when I enter a patient room, but I’m here. For all of it.
Chaplains provide space. That space may be filled with grief, anger, rage, joy, healing, or celebration. But it is space.
In my previous post on what CPE taught me, I outlined six things I’ve learned in this process. CPE is unlike any other form of education I’ve experienced. It is a vulnerable place where we gain feedback about how others perceive and receive us. Sometimes, it is helpful. Sometimes, it is frustrating. Sometimes, it feels nit-picky. But feedback is feedback; it is an insight into a moment and an encounter. How invaluable it is to learn how I am received. It is the opposite of being self-conscious in the sense that I do not have to wonder what others think of me or my work. They tell me.
May we learn to grow in compassion for ourselves, even when the night is dark.
Here are a few more things I’ve learned:
As my CPE Peer reminded me, the power of “and.” And is a powerful conjunction. We can hold opposing realities in tension. And that tension is the bedrock of being human.
Naming emotions takes practice. Especially if we weren’t allowed to experience them growing up. Having an emotion wheel is helpful.
I can be in the room but not in the room. Have you ever felt like someone’s attention was elsewhere? Being present in the “here and now” is one of the best gifts we can give someone. Even when my shadow side hovers over me, presence can bring comfort.
Not every space is for healing. I have come to recognize that not every space is meant for healing. It is okay to be discerning about how much you want to open up and share. Is the room ready to handle what you offer? The same goes for patients - they may be cautious with me. What aspects of my identity need to be named and addressed to support the needs of others?
Healing takes time. I felt pressured to try to resolve all the distress a person was experiencing in one conversation. Where that pressure came from is a post for another time, but the pressure to get the words right, the distress resolved, and the person to “feel better” was real. I had to realize that I couldn’t undo years of distress or stress in 1 twenty-minute conversation.
I am reminded of the words of Fr. Richard Rohr when I walk into the room, “I have nothing to prove and nothing to protect. I am who I am, and that is enough.”
All in all, my first unit of CPE was a great learning experience. I’ll be jumping into another unit this October and look forward to continuing this series!